Wednesday, June 29, 2011

24 hours on a bus? AWESOME!

When we signed up for a 24 hour bus ride to Laos we knew it wasn't going to be amazing but our travel agent promised us it would be a good bus. Well... Once again we were stuck in the back of the bus however this time it wasn't a sleeper bus like we were used to. This was set up with seats that laid back basically onto the person behind you. We were uncomfortable from the get go and the seat lever that was implanted in my ass left a sweet little bruise. We finally stopped for a pee break about 5 hours in and the bathroom smelled so badly the only way to endure it was to rub a little tiger balm under your nose. We had thankfully brought some food with us however the fuckheads at the place where we got it decided to wrap it like it was a sandwich not freaking Pad Thai. It was totally messy and really too difficult to eat but since the bus never stopped we were happy to have it.
Even after a handful of sleeping pills there was no sleep to be had on a bus that wrapped corners like a wooden roller coaster. When the tire blew at about 2 am I nearly shat myself assuming we were close to barreling down into a ravine. Nope.. instead we just drive on the rim for a couple of miles until we found a place to fix the tire. The next stop we made was at the border. Since our driver decided not to stop for breaks along the way we were all ready to explode. The bathroom at the Vietnam border patrol office looked like a shit monster had been blown up in it. Most of the girls just positioned themselves over the urinal but I had to go number 2. I held it for as long as I could but eventually I just had to close my eyes, hold my nose and head into the stall.
When we were finally allowed to leave Vietnam we walked to the Laos border and waited for about 2 hours for them to process our paperwork. I asked our bus guide where the bathroom was and she replied, "NO". Well ok then there is no bathroom? Now I don't usually get all uppity American but for fuck's sake! Can you imagine walking into any government building and being told that there isn't a bathroom not even one covered in shit fireworks? I would GLADLY spend days dealing with that blond bitch at the Chenango County DMV (you know the one!) rather than ever have to spend time at the Laos immigration office again.      I finally went outside to a border patrolman with a roll of tissue and asked for bathroom he pointed and I ran. Upon reaching the bottom of the stairs I quickly ran back up them and into the office where everyone was waiting. With tears streaming down my face I declared that I tried to find the bathroom but there were 5 German Shepards, not German soldiers at Brittny thought I said. I was standing there like a child who has recently been potty trained wanting nothing more than to NOT have a accident but I was afraid I was going to be the 30 year old that shit her pants with another 12 hours of her bus journey to go. Lizzy, always my savior, took my hand and lead me back down the stairs to find the bathroom. We never found a bathroom but I have a feeling the Laos border patrol found something that made them wish they had a public bathroom.
The bus crew did not want to stop for breakfast either and handed out something called a Lucky sandwich. I felt Lucky that there weren't enough to go around and I didn't get one. It was a bun filled with pork but in my experience pork, even old rancid pork, isn't furry. It was bizarre looking and smelling and even as hungry as I was I could not bring myself to eat such a thing. After the bus finally stopped for lunch we were feeling ok knowing that we only had a few hours left in our journey. We made a video blog on Laura's computer and had a little fun.
The fun ended when we found out that we would be on the bus for another 6 hours. I had a complete emotional meltdown and just started weeping. I know that no one was happy but I had reached my breaking point. I had never been so uncomfortable, dehydrated and hungry for such a long period of time. Over 30 hours on a bus was really horrible but we made it to Laos safe and sound so it all worked out ok.

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