Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Lil' Miss. Muffet was not being rude...

There are a number of ways that the Internet has “ruined” my life. I used to be an avid letter writer and haven’t written one in years, I pretty much know what everyone is doing all the time #football. I used to love making bets with friends about song lyrics or the name of the offbeat actor in a movie and waiting a long while to find out the answer. No mystery or anticipation anymore, we have the answer in our hand in a second. The number one way that the Internet has ruined my life however is the knowledge that spiders are everyfuckingplaceIgo.
I suppose there hasn't been an influx in spider population more today than existed in my general surroundings for the last 34 years but goddamn. Every day there is some new story solidifying why spiders have earned their creeptastic reputation. I’m not someone who has ever been particularly terrified of spiders, though I also didn’t run out to see Arachnophobia. I try to let the little ones do their thing and get rid of the bugs that annoy me endlessly like mosquitoes and house flies. I have friends who hate them with a passion and hate me a little bit for not killing every eight legged beast I’ve come across.
Today one of my friends posted an article about a Giassgantic Spider City and it ruined my life. 

I visited Baltimore twice while this monstrosity of fear was being constructed. There I was eating at the Cheesecake Factory with a bunch of Girl Scouts and  later a visit to learn about my sorority's best practices having a grand ol’ time. Meanwhile, working hard like Fraggle Rock's Doozers, these wretched monsters were creating webbing so strong that it caused structural damage. My biggest concern, yes even more than the hundreds of thousands of spiders, is how this web was not noticed before it reached the size of three American football fields. I have walked into a web so thin it was basically transparent and after dancing around whilst slapping my face and head vacuumed my entire house and stripped all of the bedding.THREE HUNDRED YARDS OF WEBS! What the actual fuck?

Thank you Internet (and the workers of the Baltimore Wastewater Treatment Plant) you have ruined my life.
I recognize that spiders are everywhere and that they help our Eco systems but thanks to the Internet I now know that there are puppy size spiders that catch and eat birds with ease.

I NEVER would have looked that shit up in Encyclopedia Britannica because it would have grossed me out far too much. Thanks to the Internet though I know I will soon see a video of a spider shuffling into a Starbucks to order a Pumpkin Spice Latte and then eat the barista who created it. Internet +1, Cassie’s nightmares 0. 

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